On one side of the canyon, you have winners. On the other side, you have losers. Rather, the "Winners" have declared themselves "winners", and they have also declared the "Losers" to be "losers". (Until this all happened, the Losers kinda thought they were all the same).
In between is a rope bridge.
The Losers totally thought they were going to walk across that rope bridge some day. Maybe not now, but some day. Probably after they get their Phd's in Modern Rope Bridgery. (Seriously, they know a guy who did just that...once. His name started with a 'K' or something).
Well today, this rope bridge has been set on fire. It was intentionally set alight by the Winners, to keep the Losers in their place, where they belong, a canyon away.
The rope bridge crackles, the fire creeping slowly across. Soon it will fray and split.
What should they do? Try to put the fire out? No, a burnt rope bridge will never hold. Try to rebuild the bridge?
Yes, some Losers decided that because this bridge has always been, it is in Best Interest (not anyone in particular's, just the general concept: Best Interest) to rebuild the bridge. They begin scavenging for materials. They're wandering around, looking for branches, tools, maybe some more rope...
They come up with nothing. Then they realize that there "ain't shit" on their side of the canyon. No houses, no food, no jobs. There sure as shit aren't any dentists or doctors. All that is left on this side of the canyon is a small pile of food stamps, an unpaid cell phone bill for $441, and a pile of letters saying your credit card is now in collections, a Ford Festiva that needs a new clutch, and a note from WellPoint saying your health insurance has been cancelled because of your stupid fucking cancer. And the joke's on you guys, because there damn sure isn't any fucking rope.
The Losers stand there, starting to cry, staring at their depressing, empty side of the canyon, wishing they still had the hope of the bridge. If the bridge were still there, at least there was the illusion of hope, the memory of that one guy who made it across that one time (let's just call him "Kanye").
Then they see those fucking asshole Winners pointing and laughing from a far. They knew. They knew all along.
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At this point, a totally fucking awesome tiger with a halo of fire and laser eyes sees their distress and rides up (to Led Zeppelin's "Immigrant Song", cranked to 11), and smacks their stupid fucking branch down! The tiger yells, in a booming voice:
"For fuck's sake! Why are you even thinking of rebuilding that bridge! It's burnt! Gone! And those mofo's burned it! On purpose! And they took all of your shit away before they did it, and now they are laughing at you! Don't even try to build that bridge! THEY. HATE. YOU. And Kanye never existed! KANYE WEST IS A FUCKING LIE!!! "
It must be a clever optical illusion. No natural process could possibly make a creature this lame.
Then Snarlton the tiger sets their unpaid cell phone bills on fire with his laser eyes, and viciously eviscerates a debt collection phone agent who had tried to scale the canyon.
The "Losers" heed the advice of Snarlton, because he is so awesome. And then they ride off into their own land, committed to a life of revenge and awesome parties. Maybe in their travels they'll find a sneaky trail up the other side of the canyon, and they'll steal all their shit back, and maybe maul the fucking hell out of the Winners.
In case you can't tell, this is about politics, though I got a few parts, verbatim, from the Jewish children's novel by R.L. Stein, A Lion, Jesus & Some Wardrobe (Maybe. I don't read a lot).
Come on now, buddy. The bridge is burned. Run off with Snarlton.
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