One Man's Trash...

Whilst brushing my teeth, I had the best idea ever to fix the economy. An idea so counter-revolutionary, so very cyclically backwards in its inception, that it practically defies logic.


Let's cancel the election, make congressional service a voluntary activity for the next 8 years, seize a few evil corporations, and rebuild an American replica of the Royal Palace at Versailles...in every state!

Things are so weird, this is what moderation looks like.

Stay with me here...I already have this financed.


Congress has become worthless, a cesspool of wealthy morons who make terrible financial decisions. Anything in its place that could just sit still and not touch anything (like a half-eaten burrito) would be an improvement at this point.  What about democracy? Congressional volunteerism. Ben Franklin was in favor of it. If you love democracy so much, why don't you show up for free?

1. Each senator makes between $170,000 and $200,000 per year, with additional per diem and health insurance perks. That's $107mil per year. Remember-this is an 8 year project. My budget now has $856mil.
2. Past congressional pensions for retired congressmen? C'mon, we all know they were filthy rich to begin with. They don't need that retirement money. That frees up $17mil. 
3. Cancel elections. Seriously. Every 4 years our country dumps out 5.3 BILLION dollars on presidential elections, and for what? We get to watch rich, racist people throw hissy fits on tv while skeletal women parade around in shoulder padded suits? 

Women's business suits,  aka "boner kryptonite".

Fuck that. No elections during construction. New Versailles will probably take about 8 years to finish, so there's another $11bil.

Good... I already found about $12 billion.

We will need the following per site:

2,014 Acres= $3 million (if we raze Detroit, it would probably be free!)

A zoo= $50 million 

721,206 square feet of floor space. Let's go nuts and say we'll spend $1,000 per square foot= $721mil

977 acres of gardens= $54mil

How about an even billion for art? That seems reasonable.

Alright.  Let's round this up to $2bil, for incidentals & such.

A vomiting bronze dog fountain? Build me 20, sir!

$2 billion per New Versailles, per state. That's all I need. I've already funded six!

It's not fair that only six states should get a New Versailles. I need to find another $88 billion.

1. $1bil.-the personal cash we could theoretically seize from the ousted congress.
2. $1bil.- the funds we'll get by seizing just the 2012 presidential candidates' net worth.
3. $20bil. from Michael Bloomberg. That fucker is worth $20 billion. Eliminate him alone, and we could build 10 New Versailles!
4. $3.5bil in back taxes from GE. Those fuckers not only don't pay taxes, they got a credit of $3.5 billion in 2010.  
5. $2-11bil. I hear Monsanto rakes in at least this, bare minimum. Let's do the world a favor and shut those fuckers down too.
6. $57bil. -Get rid of the Department of Homeland Security. They've stopped what, 5 half-assed terrorist plots since their inception? Not worth it. 
7. $8bil. - Get rid of TSA. I think we'd all rather stroll around some fountains and listen to cello music than get irradiated and raped at the airport. 

Are we at $88 billion yet? $92?! Excellent. All 50 states can now have their own!


Here are some reasons why we should rebuild 50 New Versailles.

1. The seething, no holds barred, 'in your fucking face' irony.
2. Versailles at its height housed and employed 3,000 people; Congress houses no one, and only has 535 d-bags who never show up.
3. Jobs! There are all kinds of jobs to be had. Construction, mining, furniture design, landscaping, plumbing, painting, caterers, tour guides, zookeepers, musicians, fashion designers, hair stylists. And probably some neat jobs, like solar engineering (we'll modernize this shit, yo'!).
4. Public housing. Versailles didn't just hold the royalty; it had over 300 apartments. Hell, the Bellagio hotel has 4,000 rooms, so maybe we can finally house some of the people Congress dumped on their asses.
5. Unlike Congress, it's self-funding. We'll charge for restaurant service, weddings, film series, and concerts. I claim dibs on rave production in the gardens!
6. Versailles had a lot going for it, including fresh water, a zoo, and an organic fruit orchard. We're going to need these things when Monsanto completes its poisoning of our food supply.
7. The amount of antique art, and opulent gold and silver. Think about it; all of our money is currently theoretical, and in the hands of fucking idiots who blow it promoting themselves. At least with several tons of solid gold bannisters and some appreciating paintings, our currency would be safe. This will actually prevent inflation when the economy finally crashes and burns.
8. Gambling. Real Versailles was hated for its wasteful gambling. Gambling will not only generate revenue, it will also add even more jobs. The Bellagio makes like, $50 million in profit. This shit will be like the Bellagio, but real. None of that hollow fiberglass and plaster crap they have all over Vegas.
9. The pleasantness of it. Nice jogging trails, some good art museums, some vineyards and live-work studios on the back acres. Lord knows our citizens need to get up and take a walk. I estimate we'll save at least $1mil in health care costs per state.
10. National pride and tourism. Congress wastes enough every year on war to build... 100 fucking Versailles, every year. Maybe if we have a sweet monument to show off, and stop blowing people up for oil, we can get some much needed tourism cash flowing. 

This idea is sounding better and better, isn't it?