Maybe You Should Study War Some More.

I get tired of hippies. Especially old hippies. They are the fucking worst.

I've casually wandered into a few protests in my day. It seems like every time there is a protest the 'old guard' of tie-dye wearing, non-profit working, pot smoking baby boomers shows up and fist pumps, "Yes! It's time for a REVOLUTION!" (smileyface)

No. No fucking (smileyface). You do not (smileyface) that.

I always derail the conversation with a dour, "Yeah, well, if a revolution breaks out, they'll probably shoot you first." Then this happens: "I meant more of a...symbolic revolution."

"I think everyone under 40 should die completely outgunned in a 50 year guerilla war with the most technologically advanced allied military the world has ever seen.
But I really mean that in a pacifist, John Lennon, Ghandi way... LOL!" 

There is no such thing as a Symbolic Revolution. There's no "Spiritual Revolution," nor are there "Social Revolutions." The civil rights movement was a movement, not a Revolution. Twirling around in a patchwork skirt with face paint while a jam band smokes weed in the face of The Man is not a Revolution. The Occupy Movement is not a Revolution. Revolutions involve guns, lots of them, and you damn well better hope you have the most.

Fuck. Throw in some 10 year olds on LSD and I just don't know anymore. They both look horrible.

First, there are certain prerequisites for a revolution, the main being starvation. People will take a lot of shit. But when it gets to a point where they're going to die anyway, then they will take up pitchforks and roll out some guillotines. Hey, why not?

The next case against revolution is this: They don't work. What usually happens is another superpower smells weakness and swoops in like a vulture to pick at the country's borders. I've heard a lot of "Give Congress the guillotine!", and no talk about how history clearly teaches that Austria immediately started a border war and almost ruined France. These types of revolutions inevitably turn into a shit-show that drags on for another 50 years before the people willingly submit to the first iron-fisted dictator who promises a shred of stability. Take a good look at Napoleon I and Stalin.

How close are we to revolution in America, anyway?

Let's compare the current state with the French Revolution of 1789.

1. Opulent, rich assholes in charge? check.
2. A worthless nobility/upper class with a political majority that refuses to be taxed? check.
3. A farce of a legislative government that gives an unfair veto advantage to the wealthy, and no willingness to compel them by force to help the rest of society? check.
4. High unemployment and an economy chipped by outsourcing and trade imbalances? check.
5. Strong barriers to entry for small businesses, such as excessive taxes and fees? check.
6. Inflammatory pundits on both sides? check.
7. An over-drawn military, running at a bankruptcy for unpopular foreign wars? check.
8. Insane inflation, to the point that food becomes inaccessible? Nope.
9. Crop failure, leading to mass starvation? Nope.
10. Foreign influence, or worse, foreign occupation? Nope.

There you have it. If you had a Big Mac today, then we are not heading towards a revolution. (Though I heard Monsanto really screwed the pooch and now we have some kind of terrifying corn weevil problem, so you hippies just might get your wish).

The next question is this: If revolution should magically break out, who will win?

Here are some thoughts: The government has the Army, Navy, Airforce, Marines, National Guard, Coast Guard, Homeland Security, FBI, CIA, and local police. Now imagine dealing with them, and then setting the reset button and dealing with the next vulture power that decides to "help"... say, the EU or China. By the way, they all have an unprecedented surveillance network, complete with robot drones and satellites.

And in the people's corner, we'll have a morbidly obese, aging, increasingly disabled proletariat class, a small, yet hyper-paranoid right-wing militia subculture, and a completely unarmed, spoiled youth class who are morally opposed to violence. I was watching an Occupy live video feed, and the kid with the camera was surprised the police had live ammo. Damn, skippy.

So maybe everyone from the 'I ain't gonna study war no more' generation should STFU and study some wars before you go web flaming in support of a revolution. And maybe watch the Matrix or Star Wars a few times for good measure.

One final thought? Zach dela Rocha? There's a motherfucker who's on board for a Revolution.

He probably slaps like a girl. At the very least, he has the correct shirt.