Maybe You Should Study War Some More.

I get tired of hippies. Especially old hippies. They are the fucking worst.

I've casually wandered into a few protests in my day. It seems like every time there is a protest the 'old guard' of tie-dye wearing, non-profit working, pot smoking baby boomers shows up and fist pumps, "Yes! It's time for a REVOLUTION!" (smileyface)

No. No fucking (smileyface). You do not (smileyface) that.

I always derail the conversation with a dour, "Yeah, well, if a revolution breaks out, they'll probably shoot you first." Then this happens: "I meant more of a...symbolic revolution."

"I think everyone under 40 should die completely outgunned in a 50 year guerilla war with the most technologically advanced allied military the world has ever seen.
But I really mean that in a pacifist, John Lennon, Ghandi way... LOL!" 

There is no such thing as a Symbolic Revolution. There's no "Spiritual Revolution," nor are there "Social Revolutions." The civil rights movement was a movement, not a Revolution. Twirling around in a patchwork skirt with face paint while a jam band smokes weed in the face of The Man is not a Revolution. The Occupy Movement is not a Revolution. Revolutions involve guns, lots of them, and you damn well better hope you have the most.

Fuck. Throw in some 10 year olds on LSD and I just don't know anymore. They both look horrible.

First, there are certain prerequisites for a revolution, the main being starvation. People will take a lot of shit. But when it gets to a point where they're going to die anyway, then they will take up pitchforks and roll out some guillotines. Hey, why not?

The next case against revolution is this: They don't work. What usually happens is another superpower smells weakness and swoops in like a vulture to pick at the country's borders. I've heard a lot of "Give Congress the guillotine!", and no talk about how history clearly teaches that Austria immediately started a border war and almost ruined France. These types of revolutions inevitably turn into a shit-show that drags on for another 50 years before the people willingly submit to the first iron-fisted dictator who promises a shred of stability. Take a good look at Napoleon I and Stalin.

How close are we to revolution in America, anyway?

Let's compare the current state with the French Revolution of 1789.

1. Opulent, rich assholes in charge? check.
2. A worthless nobility/upper class with a political majority that refuses to be taxed? check.
3. A farce of a legislative government that gives an unfair veto advantage to the wealthy, and no willingness to compel them by force to help the rest of society? check.
4. High unemployment and an economy chipped by outsourcing and trade imbalances? check.
5. Strong barriers to entry for small businesses, such as excessive taxes and fees? check.
6. Inflammatory pundits on both sides? check.
7. An over-drawn military, running at a bankruptcy for unpopular foreign wars? check.
8. Insane inflation, to the point that food becomes inaccessible? Nope.
9. Crop failure, leading to mass starvation? Nope.
10. Foreign influence, or worse, foreign occupation? Nope.

There you have it. If you had a Big Mac today, then we are not heading towards a revolution. (Though I heard Monsanto really screwed the pooch and now we have some kind of terrifying corn weevil problem, so you hippies just might get your wish).

The next question is this: If revolution should magically break out, who will win?

Here are some thoughts: The government has the Army, Navy, Airforce, Marines, National Guard, Coast Guard, Homeland Security, FBI, CIA, and local police. Now imagine dealing with them, and then setting the reset button and dealing with the next vulture power that decides to "help"... say, the EU or China. By the way, they all have an unprecedented surveillance network, complete with robot drones and satellites.

And in the people's corner, we'll have a morbidly obese, aging, increasingly disabled proletariat class, a small, yet hyper-paranoid right-wing militia subculture, and a completely unarmed, spoiled youth class who are morally opposed to violence. I was watching an Occupy live video feed, and the kid with the camera was surprised the police had live ammo. Damn, skippy.

So maybe everyone from the 'I ain't gonna study war no more' generation should STFU and study some wars before you go web flaming in support of a revolution. And maybe watch the Matrix or Star Wars a few times for good measure.

One final thought? Zach dela Rocha? There's a motherfucker who's on board for a Revolution.

He probably slaps like a girl. At the very least, he has the correct shirt. 

One Man's Trash...

Whilst brushing my teeth, I had the best idea ever to fix the economy. An idea so counter-revolutionary, so very cyclically backwards in its inception, that it practically defies logic.


Let's cancel the election, make congressional service a voluntary activity for the next 8 years, seize a few evil corporations, and rebuild an American replica of the Royal Palace at Versailles...in every state!

Things are so weird, this is what moderation looks like.

Stay with me here...I already have this financed.


Congress has become worthless, a cesspool of wealthy morons who make terrible financial decisions. Anything in its place that could just sit still and not touch anything (like a half-eaten burrito) would be an improvement at this point.  What about democracy? Congressional volunteerism. Ben Franklin was in favor of it. If you love democracy so much, why don't you show up for free?

1. Each senator makes between $170,000 and $200,000 per year, with additional per diem and health insurance perks. That's $107mil per year. Remember-this is an 8 year project. My budget now has $856mil.
2. Past congressional pensions for retired congressmen? C'mon, we all know they were filthy rich to begin with. They don't need that retirement money. That frees up $17mil. 
3. Cancel elections. Seriously. Every 4 years our country dumps out 5.3 BILLION dollars on presidential elections, and for what? We get to watch rich, racist people throw hissy fits on tv while skeletal women parade around in shoulder padded suits? 

Women's business suits,  aka "boner kryptonite".

Fuck that. No elections during construction. New Versailles will probably take about 8 years to finish, so there's another $11bil.

Good... I already found about $12 billion.

We will need the following per site:

2,014 Acres= $3 million (if we raze Detroit, it would probably be free!)

A zoo= $50 million 

721,206 square feet of floor space. Let's go nuts and say we'll spend $1,000 per square foot= $721mil

977 acres of gardens= $54mil

How about an even billion for art? That seems reasonable.

Alright.  Let's round this up to $2bil, for incidentals & such.

A vomiting bronze dog fountain? Build me 20, sir!

$2 billion per New Versailles, per state. That's all I need. I've already funded six!

It's not fair that only six states should get a New Versailles. I need to find another $88 billion.

1. $1bil.-the personal cash we could theoretically seize from the ousted congress.
2. $1bil.- the funds we'll get by seizing just the 2012 presidential candidates' net worth.
3. $20bil. from Michael Bloomberg. That fucker is worth $20 billion. Eliminate him alone, and we could build 10 New Versailles!
4. $3.5bil in back taxes from GE. Those fuckers not only don't pay taxes, they got a credit of $3.5 billion in 2010.  
5. $2-11bil. I hear Monsanto rakes in at least this, bare minimum. Let's do the world a favor and shut those fuckers down too.
6. $57bil. -Get rid of the Department of Homeland Security. They've stopped what, 5 half-assed terrorist plots since their inception? Not worth it. 
7. $8bil. - Get rid of TSA. I think we'd all rather stroll around some fountains and listen to cello music than get irradiated and raped at the airport. 

Are we at $88 billion yet? $92?! Excellent. All 50 states can now have their own!


Here are some reasons why we should rebuild 50 New Versailles.

1. The seething, no holds barred, 'in your fucking face' irony.
2. Versailles at its height housed and employed 3,000 people; Congress houses no one, and only has 535 d-bags who never show up.
3. Jobs! There are all kinds of jobs to be had. Construction, mining, furniture design, landscaping, plumbing, painting, caterers, tour guides, zookeepers, musicians, fashion designers, hair stylists. And probably some neat jobs, like solar engineering (we'll modernize this shit, yo'!).
4. Public housing. Versailles didn't just hold the royalty; it had over 300 apartments. Hell, the Bellagio hotel has 4,000 rooms, so maybe we can finally house some of the people Congress dumped on their asses.
5. Unlike Congress, it's self-funding. We'll charge for restaurant service, weddings, film series, and concerts. I claim dibs on rave production in the gardens!
6. Versailles had a lot going for it, including fresh water, a zoo, and an organic fruit orchard. We're going to need these things when Monsanto completes its poisoning of our food supply.
7. The amount of antique art, and opulent gold and silver. Think about it; all of our money is currently theoretical, and in the hands of fucking idiots who blow it promoting themselves. At least with several tons of solid gold bannisters and some appreciating paintings, our currency would be safe. This will actually prevent inflation when the economy finally crashes and burns.
8. Gambling. Real Versailles was hated for its wasteful gambling. Gambling will not only generate revenue, it will also add even more jobs. The Bellagio makes like, $50 million in profit. This shit will be like the Bellagio, but real. None of that hollow fiberglass and plaster crap they have all over Vegas.
9. The pleasantness of it. Nice jogging trails, some good art museums, some vineyards and live-work studios on the back acres. Lord knows our citizens need to get up and take a walk. I estimate we'll save at least $1mil in health care costs per state.
10. National pride and tourism. Congress wastes enough every year on war to build... 100 fucking Versailles, every year. Maybe if we have a sweet monument to show off, and stop blowing people up for oil, we can get some much needed tourism cash flowing. 

This idea is sounding better and better, isn't it?

Education, American Style.

Americans. We have a global reputation as being dumb, arrogant, and fat. I won't deny it, as I am constantly baffled by my own ignorance.

Our national nutritionist.

Baffled, yet I graduated in the top 5% of my high school class with a 3.96 GPA. I was on the list for valedictorian. I then completed two bachelor's degrees. I was awarded 'Outstanding Something or Other' by my college department (the kind of crap that gets you a special mention in the graduation program, and an $8 plaque which you threw away out of disgust with your life at age 28).

I consider myself highly literate and fairly good at research (though a Ph.D. dissertation might shame my grammar skills). I am functional in 3 foreign languages. I have specialized art education. My world geography skills are well above average. I keep up on science and tech news. I will admit that I blow at math. If I had to guess at my IQ, I would place it in the 130's.

I am what you get if you are looking for a properly educated American.

Here are some more facts:

1. In 6th grade we memorized all the countries of the world... except those on the entire continent of Africa. The reasons? "They aren't that important." and "They are all(!) at war right now."

2. I did not know Russia took part in WWII until I was 26. That's right. I'm sure you Europeans just choked on your croissants. No, seriously. I have a similarly educated friend who asked if socialists were the same as Nazis. I also have a friend convinced that The Philippines are occupied by Japan, and another that thought that Ireland was France on a map.

3. I was never required to take a World History class, neither in middle school, high school, nor college. World History was full, I was busy, and a class on tornados filled the same social science requirement. We spent the whole class watching videos of tornados wrecking shit.

Your world history textbook won't save your sorry ass when this beast rips through your house.

4. Interest calculation (you know...that thing that fucks you on your credit card and mortgage?). Well, I was in a senior level arts finance class my last quarter of college. This was no 'Intro 101' course! The catalog number was like, 'Finance for Entertainment 400000060001', with 12 prerequisites. Our homework quality was so, so consistently bad that we collectively made the elderly guest professor cry. He could not believe that 23 year olds were so godawful fucking bad at financial math. They had to grade the entire class on a curve, where the highest grade was a D. The dean of the department let us write essays instead of doing our compound interest calculations. It was such a fiasco they removed it from the course catalog. Oh, yeah... at that point in my life I was already 5 years and $14,000 into default on credit cards I got from tables in the campus quad.

Uh-oh. They finally figured out that 35% compound interest over 30 years is a fucking scam, and told the rest of them.

5. I spent several (required!) semesters, if not years, of college taking duplicate classes that I had already taken in high school. College algebra? Same as high school algebra. 12 credits of college Spanish? Worse than high school Spanish (the classroom looked like a kindergarten, had piñatas, and we watched Disney movies). I took Biological Anthropology twice, with the same text book, for different credit requirements. Literature classes where I re-read books I'd read in middle school, then watched movies. I've taken the same psychology class 3 times.

6. Nutrition? You jest!

7. My high school US History class was taught by the football coach. On a late road trip back from a concert, I sarcastically wrote an essay titled, "Why Bono is the Most Important Person in American History," expecting to get a D for effort. I got an A+. We were also supposed to wear costumes for our presentation. That's right. Costumes. I wore a U2 t-shirt, and claimed I was Bono. Your kids in Europe are busy learning engineering math and perfect English, and we're prancing around in Halloween costumes.

8. I shit you not, I clearly remember watching both Die Hard and Terminator II in a high-school lab science class.

Photosynthesis, American style!

9. And finally, I had a college business professor posit, "If too many people die from AIDS in Africa, could all the groundwater in Africa be permanently contaminated with AIDS? We just can't know these things."

-----------
Is it any wonder the US is full of fucking idiots? You can sink $40,000 into your education, and you still end up a fucking idiot! I've engaged in decades of independent research, PBS viewing, world travel, conversations with educated friends, foreign newspapers, and library books in an attempt to erase the incompetence of our higher education system.

I think it's by design. The government doesn't want us to know the native culture or history of the next country we bomb. They don't want us to know anything about communist countries other than, "It's really hard to get Levi's there!" I point toward the disastrous housing crash, and ask if it isn't by design that no one here can figure out the life-ruining math on interest rates.

Oh, yeah. The reason for this tangent. This happened.
Kentucky Cuts Education Funding, Builds Bible Theme Park

'Lynching' is the new 'Resisting Arrest'

What's that thing? You know, that thing...when you're out protesting, or happen to be black on some MLK Jr. Parkway in some random urban city, and you see the cops beating the shit out of some homeless schizophrenic, so you jump in and stop the beating even though you know you'll probably get charged with interfering...what's the word for that again?

a). Obstruction of justice?
b). Assault on a police officer?
c). Resisting arrest?
d). Lynching?

The answer is... d). Lynching!

When a fat white cop is beating the ever-living shit out of someone on the street and you step in, you are apparently no better than some 1950's Alabama inbred in a white hood, getting ready to string up a noose.

Occupy Protesters to be Charged With Felony Lynching

Sergio Ballesteros, 30, has been involved in Occupy LA since the movement had its California launch in October. But this week, his activism took an abrupt turn when he was arrested on a felony charge — lynching. 

Under the California penal code, lynching is “taking by means of a riot of any person from the lawful custody of any peace officer," where "riot" is defined as two or more people threatening violence or disturbing the peace. The original purpose of the legal code section 405(a) was to protect defendants in police custody from vigilante mobs — especially black defendants from racist groups. (Kari Huss, msnbc.com)

My new goal for the year is to get another bus lane violation in hopes that I get charged with felony cross-burning!

Snarlton's Personality Assessment

I often have a conflicting view on my personality. On one hand, I am a raging extrovert. I can be quite the attention whore.  On the other hand, I find myself using the self checkout machines at the grocery store, because I just don't want to have the slightest bit of human interaction.

It understands that I hate people. And I understand that it hates frozen burritos for some reason.

I am not shy. Hell, I am not even an introvert. It's not that I savor space or quiet, but rather that I am constantly annoyed by other people. Constantly. It's gotten so bad that I've become completely nocturnal so that I no longer eat when they eat, or drive when they drive. I've developed weird OCD habits. I will not shake hands. My psychological quirks are not driven by a fear of germs, but rather a seething hatred of being forced to accept other people's stuff. It's not that I'm afraid I'll catch Ebola-SARS-Pox and die; it's that germs are other people's belongings, and I am tired of other people and their stuff in my space.

I blame society and its constant chipping at our privacy. For someone who doesn't like other people in "their bubble," American life is a constant, never-ending onslaught of intrusion. Advertising is Other People's Stuff. Their ideas, their products, their messages. Every billboard, every tv commercial, every garish brand logo has become an ice-pick to my brain. I feel like clowns are constantly waving neon flags in my face.

I am tired of the constant marketing narrative, the constant message that I need what you're selling...because I don't need what you're selling.  I don't have a kid, yet I sit through Toys'R' Us commercials. I don't have a house, yet I get mail for homeowners' insurance. I don't eat meat, yet I just wasted 2 minutes watching filthy grease dribble off a Wendy's burger.

They send me junk mail. I throw it right in the trash, but the very act of throwing it out forces me to handle it. They force me to touch that mail. They force me to look at the message, force me to see their stupid company's logo, force me to acknowledge they exist. I am being forced to physically drag around the garbage of companies that don't even apply to me. It's like harnessing a fish to a bicycle.

I am a focus group's worst nightmare. I have not met a TV commercial I have not mocked, derided, or abused. I also strictly select products by non-brandedness. I buy non-recognizable brands, preferably hidden on the lowest bottom shelf. It is a negative reaction to every screaming NutriGrain bar ad. 

And now we are entering a whole new era of post Patriot Act surveillance. It's not just that I'm forced to look at dumb billboards and commercials anymore. Now our phones are tapped. Our email can be silently read without a warrant. Our internet history is traced. There are GPS surveillance boxes under some of our cars. Cameras on every intersection. We're forced to let The Authority touch our wangs/wangettes at the airport. We are now compelled by law to let any random goon x-ray us and see us naked.


Is it any wonder I've begun to fetishize minimalism? A house with no neighbors, possessions, and no electronics; no brand logos, no surveillance, no barrage of mental garbage. I spend a lot of time thinking about an empty, windowless concrete house in the desert. It occurred to me that my ideal fantasy house might look like a giant prison to some people, and how ironic that is.

This house, with less windows.

It's not to keep me in; it's to keep them out.

A Christmas Note From Snarlton.

I go through these phases. Most of the time I have a seething rage towards America. But occasionally I watch a documentary on some hell-hole like Liberia, and I think, "Hey. I can't afford health insurance or rent, but at least there aren't roving bands of rapey, heroin-addled teenage cannibals wandering around. I should be grateful."

We have good things. Our roads are fantastic. Clean water. Decent air travel. Wondrous natural parks. We have a food supply chain that works like clockwork. I have a rental house with heat and a toilet. Some would argue that we are drowning in consumer goods, and that is a plus to them. We have freedom of speech. Excellent music, art, and satire. Freedom of sexuality. We are working towards a society without racial boundaries. These are all good things.

Then why am I so fucking miserable?

I think the rest of the world may have been confused at the Occupy explosion this fall. How could the most prosperous country be so damn, fucking angry?

I have a theory; One cannot possibly understand how hellishly terrible America is unless you've lived here your whole life. The discontent here is a slow burn, a lifelong collection of harsh lessons. The bullshit is buried so deep in legalese and fine print that foreigners just can't grasp it.

The discontent comes after dealing with the boss who wants you to fire your staff, then fires you. It comes with the $30,000 bill for a 5 hour wait in a shit-stained emergency room full of junkies. It's the knowledge that there's a hospital within a mile from wherever you stand- and if you ever need to use it, the visit will bankrupt you. It's watching a homeless co-worker belittled and fired... for leaving to get their vomiting child from daycare.

My America is a constant string of bullying bosses, bullying landlords, bullying police. It's a never-ending loop of credit collection, garnished wages, broken cars, broken teeth. It's the feeling that, despite your current comfort, it could all come crashing down with one illness, one job loss, one racist traffic cop with a jumpy trigger finger.

On top of this is a steaming pile of advertising. There is never a point in the day when you aren't goaded into purchasing or shamed for not wanting. They shove vapid, stupid, drugged celebrity 'role models' in your face, and then tell you you're human garbage for not buying their mascara.

The news is fake. We are swimming in biased journalism that requires a post-graduate level of education to fully comprehend. They even run the same stories years later! Half of the news consists of idiots spouting racist opinions about geographical areas they can't even spell; the rest is videos of dancing kittens.

If you are smart, you have the knowledge that everything you see was made by some poor bastard in a poor country. It is the knowledge that almost everything you use was made by near-slaves. The system compels you to participate - to sell the cheap clothes, to pump the cheap gas. The poor bully the poorer. Become the slave owner or fail.

This Occupy thing has been stewing. My whole working adult life has been spent with people on the brink of bankruptcy, a powder keg of relative poverty. Every screaming collections agent shoved us towards our breaking point, inch by inch. Enough. The sane amongst us are challenging the inertia of a massive wheel of bullshit. The brake has been applied. The charade is up, the emperor of capitalism has no clothes, the system is failing. A stripped cog has no use for its machine.

America picks at you. It beats you down, day by day. There needs to be a unique word for that feeling you get in a Las Vegas mall after a few hours. It's a distinctly American spiritual exhaustion, an aching headache from knowing that everything shiny is just polished turds, and you were pick-pocketed looking at it.

Make no mistake; we are not the victims. We are the generation refusing to become turd salesmen and pickpockets.

Hey guys. Snarlton's feeling lazy. All those absinthe vodka tonics I chug to deal with the colossal outrage I feel towards this country take their toll. Please enjoy this guest piece from Correspondent Miss S.

--------------

Aren’t you glad we live in America where the Constitution protects us from this kind of treatment?

My name is John Wilkenson and I’m a husband, a father, and a member of Operation USA, a relief group offering aid to civilians in Iraq, whose mission the Iraqi government has been trying to shut down. 

I was arrested at about 1 a.m. Wednesday morning with 291 other people in Baghdad. I was sitting in the communal area of our little tent city with a pillow, a blanket, and a copy of Thich Nhat Hanh’s “Being Peace” when 1,400 heavily-armed Iraqi Officers in paramilitary SWAT gear streamed in. I was in a group of about 50 relief workers who sat Indian-style, arms interlocked, around a tent, refusing to leave. The Iraqi Officers encircled us, weapons drawn, while we chanted “We Are Peaceful” and “We Are Nonviolent”. 

As we sat there, encircled, a separate team of Iraqi Officers used knives to slice open every tent in the commune. They forcibly removed anyone sleeping inside, and then yanked out and destroyed any personal property inside those tents, scattering the contents across the commune. They then did the same with the communal property of Operation USA. For example, I watched as the Iraqi Officers destroyed a pop-up canopy tent that, until that moment, had been serving as Operation USA’s medical tent, in which volunteer health professionals gave free medical care to absolutely anyone who requested it. As it happens, my family had personally contributed that exact canopy tent to Operation USA, at a cost of several hundred of my family’s dollars. As I watched, the Iraqi Officers sliced that canopy tent to shreds, broke the telescoping poles into pieces and scattered the detritus across the desert. … 

When the Iraqi Officers finally began arresting those of us interlocked around the symbolic tent, we were all ordered by the Officers to unlink from each other (in order to facilitate the arrests). Each seated, nonviolent protester beside me who refused to cooperate by unlinking his arms had the following done to him: an Iraqi officer would forcibly extend the protestor’s legs, grab his left foot, twist it all the way around and then stomp his boot on the insole, pinning the protestor’s left foot to the pavement, twisted backwards. Then the Iraqi officer would grab the aid worker’s right foot and twist it all the way the other direction until the non-violent volunteer, in incredible agony, would shriek in pain and unlink from his neighbor. 

It was horrible to watch, and apparently designed to terrorize the rest of us. At least I was sufficiently terrorized. I unlinked my arms voluntarily and informed the Iraqi officers that I would go peacefully and cooperatively. I stood as instructed, and then I had my arms wrenched behind my back, and an officer hyper-extended my wrists into my inner arms. It was super violent, it hurt really really bad, and he was doing it on purpose. When I involuntarily recoiled from the pain, the Iraqi officer threw me face-first to the pavement. He had my hands behind my back, so I landed right on my face. The officer dropped with his knee on my back and ground my face into the pavement. It really, really hurt and my face started bleeding and I was very scared. I begged for mercy and I promised that I was honestly not resisting and would not resist. 

My hands were then zipcuffed very tightly behind my back, where they turned blue. I am now suffering nerve damage in my right thumb and palm. 

I was put on a van with other nonviolent relief workers and taken to a parking garage in downtown Baghdad. They forced us to kneel on the hard pavement of that parking garage for seven straight hours with our hands still tightly zipcuffed behind our backs. Some began to pass out. One man rolled to the ground and vomited for a long, long time before falling unconscious. The Iraqi officers watched and did nothing. 

At 9 a.m. we were finally taken from the pavement into the station to be processed. The charge was sitting in our tent village after the police said not to… 

They booked us into jail. Almost none of us could afford to bail themselves out. I’m lucky and with the help of my family at home I could afford it, except the Iraqi Officers spent all day refusing to actually *accept* the bail they set… 

I spent most of my day and night crammed into an eight-man jail cell, along with sixteen other Operation USA protesters. My sleeping spot was on the floor next to the toilet.Finally, at 2:30 the next morning, after twenty-five hours in custody, I was released on bail. But there were at least 200 Operation USA protestors who couldn’t afford the bail. The Iraqi Officers chose to keep those peaceful, non-violent relief workers in prison for two full days…”

Maybe the American Embassy should have intervened? Eh, who am I kidding. That shit happened here in the good old U-S-of-A and it was the actual account of a prominent white AMERICAN Occupy LA Protester. Suddenly the LAPD are treating white guys like they’ve treated black communities for so long. But at least they were only filthy hippie campers, right?

You can read his full and actual account here:

http://myoccupylaarrest.blogspot.com/

-Miss S.

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Disclaimer: In case you are either:  a). stupid, or b). are translating the text, this is a piece of satire where all words referring to the Los Angeles Police Department's brutal treatment of American protester Patrick Meighan have been replaced to frame this arrest through the fictional lens of a war zone. Don't ever quote Snarlton on anything. We are assholes, not researchers. (PS. I am always amazed when I see excepts from The Onion in foreign press, or re-posted by Texans).

Commentary by Snarlton:

Miss S. has a point. Sometimes it's necessary to re-frame the habitual line-stepping of The Authority to understand how far down towards a Second-World conflict zone we've slid, a zone where any citizen can be detained on the street and searched, then violently arrested for no reason under the pretext of 'public safety'.  We are entering an era where acts of The Authority, had they been perpetrated by an enemy government, would insight public outrage.

Wake up and welcome to a new era where upstanding US citizens can be snatch-grabbed. The post 9-11 era of crying eagle t-shirts and yellow ribbon SUV magnets is over. The "War on Terror" has come home to roost, and its eyes are on all who will not shut up and obey.

Indefinite Detention: The Baseball Bat to PCLoadLetter

The Senate recently took a giant deuce on the Constitution by passing S. 1867 National Defense Authorization Act, (read the ACLU's analysis here). They also failed to repeal it through the subsequent Udall (D-CO) sponsored amendment, which would have eliminated the indefinite detention of Americans. (Indefinite detention of non-Americans was always cool. We support our troops. Eagles cry and freedom and...stuff).

Basically, they want the government to be able to snatch-grab any "suspected terrorists" and hold them indefinitely without trial. Even American citizens. Yes, even on American soil. 

And it came from Senator John McCain, whose only qualification to lead this country discussed in the 2008 presidential race was: "I spent five-and-a-half years in the Hanoi Hilton during 'Nam."  A guy who spent half a decade being tortured as a prisoner of war now thinks all Americans should be eligible for indefinite military detention. Let that irony stew for a moment.

Hey,  John McCain! I heard you liked gettin'  SnatchGrabbed! Damn, dawg. Better hope you get a trial.

Anonymous, WikiLeaks, LulzSec

I want to discuss something. They are after a certain type of  'enemy combatant' now, and it is likely not you, anyone you know,  or even that cagey guy wearing Armani Exchange knock-offs from Beirut at your local shwarma joint. No, this is about something much more sinister: nerds. Nerds are angry and have started a nerd uprising. They are now hacking Sony (gasp!), and that is unacceptable. 

The US government, quite frankly, has its balls in a sling with the Bradley Manning case. On one hand, the little punk allegedly swiped some embarrassing diplomatic cables, and handed them off to WikiLeaks. If he had acted alone, he would have been tried in a military court, end of story. On the other hand, WikiLeaks has sent out the ingenious little concept of their "Insurance File". This highly encrypted file was sent out internationally, with instructions for the users to store it in case the staff of WikiLeaks were "Disappeared". No one knows what it contains. 

It's either:

a). an 8 bit gif of the Peanut Butter Jelly Time banana

b). Julian Assange's shopping list

c). concrete evidence linking Darth Cheney to 9-11

d). something far worse only the Senate knows about.

If something 'unfortunate' were to happen to Assange, WikiLeaks, or Manning, this file has already been stashed internationally, and will likely be decrypted as revenge. It's like a game of Russian Roulette where there is one live round, and several dancing banana gifs.

The only option they have in this game of cyber-chicken is to hold Manning indefinitely until they can get their hands on Assange. This does not appear to be happening. Worse, there have been escalating threats of copy-cat crimes, freelance "hacktivism" by groups like Anonymous and LulzSec. Each day that they keep Manning in custody, each failed diplomatic attempt to get their hands on Assange, is further angering sympathetic computer geeks (or Cyber-Terrorists, depending on where you get your paycheck).

These are not the pipe-bombers of yore. There will be no IRA inspired car bombings, no improvised explosives. No, this small enclave of unaffiliated nerds now have the power to single-handledly crash the stock market. Expose a senator's bank account. Install back-door access to massive investment firms. Deactivate drones. Ruin large corporations. And they are presumably so good it wouldn't be noticed until it was too late. 

The embarrassment could be enormous, far worse than WikiLeaks. America isn't under attack; senators' personal checking accounts are. Their online stock portfolios. Any private banking records they thought were secure, any personally humiliating diplomacy exchanges, any photos of them with that one transvestite hooker-- all could soon be laid bare. 

You should consider any senators who voted for this bill to be throwing themselves against their skeleton closets. And what better way for the senate to deal with those insufferable nerds than to bust into their dirty houses, yank them away from their World of Warcraft game, and hold them indefinitely in Gitmo without their precious Mountain Dew, or right to a fair trial.

And lo!, they first declared cyber assaults an act of war. Then comes the 'We can snatch-grab any US citizen (like those GeekSquad guys)' bill.

Enemy Combatant: PCLoadLetter!

Have you ever seen an old person trying to deal with email, or install a driver? Like a cat with a laser pointer, they just do not get it. It is beyond their mental capacities. They can't navigate a print driver error on their HP DeskJet, much less understand the insanely inaccessible art of hacking. 

And these idiotic dumbfucks (Carl Levin, John McCain), in their diapered, senile wisdom, decided that the solution to This Internets Thing, was to shred, burn and shit on the Constitution. 

This is not a man who understands SQL. "Fuck it, let's put them all in a gulag."

Kudos to you, guys. Go back to having your interns print off your emails.

Democracy Smells Like Tear Gas

Let me introduce the last defender of American jobs; South Korea's Kim Sun-dong.

In a last-ditch attempt to prevent South Korea from signing the US-South Korea free trade deal, this bad-ass motherfucker threw a goddamn canister of tear gas at the majority party.

http://www.guardian.co.uk/world/video/2011/nov/22/south-korea-parliament-teargas

“The legislators were passing a bill which will make ordinary people shed bitter tears,” Kim Sun-dong, a member of the small opposition Korea Democratic Labor Party, told a crowd of supporters on Tuesday night, explaining why he had sprayed tear gas. “So I detonated tear gas so that they too shed tears, even if theirs were fake tears.”

I like the cut of this guy's jib. I think more legislators should get a whiff of tear gas now and then. 

I also like the majority party's explanation that they 'had to pull a sneak attack and sign the pact without inviting the opposition, because otherwise it never would have passed.' Oh. That makes perfect sense! 

Free trade deals are bad for everyone. They are the cause of the dreaded "out-sourcing" everyone whines so much about (you can thank Bill Clinton's NAFTA-y ass for that), and in return the poorer country gets stuck with a bunch of asshole US companies telling them it's totally fair that they should produce jeans and Snuggies for pennies on the dollar. It's also a giant waste of fuel to ship products around the world. 

Not like we were trying to get away from using fossil fuels or create jobs or anything... because your citizens in both countries are totally rioting in the streets right now. (Do I hear a guillotine creaking?)

Co-opting the Occupy Momentum

A concerning development was noticed at the "#N17" Day of Protest in New York.

As many of you following the movement know, the city of New York has been trying their hardest to keep press from filming police action. As a consequence, a web phenomenon was born, in the form of live feed on LiveStream and UStream broadcasts from amateur videographers. The most watched of these was Tim Pool, www.ustream.tv/theother99 who became a web sensation with over 30,000 viewers as he attempted to navigate the chaos of the Zuccotti Park eviction, and retaliatory Wall Street shutdown.

Tim's footage was riveting (if you consider Blair-Witch style, low resolution footage of fat, tired old police hogs kicking people's teeth out to be entertainment. I do.). I was enthralled, and spent most of the day glued to his report.

By the evening of 11/17/11, the street reporters were attempting to walk towards what appeared to be the Brooklyn Bridge when they encountered some rather hostile crowd organizers in professionally printed white t-shirts. These organizers were stationed near a large rally with a stage, check-in tent, and pro stage amplification.

These people were not friendly when speaking to the live-streamers. They refused Tim access when the film crew tried to look into the event. They also seemed to be acting in a crowd-direction capacity, and for a moment it seemed as though they were trying to either block the street, or mis-direct the march. The question from the videographer, passers-by, and UStream chat audience seemed to be: "Who the fuck are these guys?" The first reaction seemed to be that they were either plain-clothes police or some private security firm providing intentional mis-direction.

Several audience members attempted to research the group, and ended up briefly crashing http://unitedny.org/ .


---
I looked into this rally. Apparently it was a union event that had been scheduled for months, and decided to provide solidarity. Supporting the 99% message of the #OccupyWallStreet movement, it would at first seem like a good addition. Union support provides credibility. The inclusive nature of the movement allows any working-class concerns to be voiced. There is no harm in gathering large numbers.

Here's my problem (I always have one, with everything); was this a show of support, or a show of pre-election co-opting?

As a movement that can be summed up as "We're getting fucked by everyone with political or financial power," there is a general feeling of unease about politicians trying to "get in on the crowd action". Visiting senators have been shouted down, and told to go back to the cue. The movement has rebelled against any party-line generalization. Many have noted it is a minefield for the Democratic Party, as many former Obama voters now have scathing criticism about the Obama administration's role in the bank bail-outs, as well as a prolonged, hawkish presence in the Middle East.

I've heard several political science majored friends speculating that the Dems will try ride the coat-tails of this new mob. They will try to welcome them back to the fold, much as the Republican party tried to co-opt the Tea Party. They will try to infiltrate the marches, over-ride the tone of the event, direct actions towards a decidedly non-aggressive, pro-Democratic direction; in other words, they will co-opt.

Why does this one rally disturb me? Because of one logo which I noticed on their website, you white-shirted mother-fuckers; MoveOn.

MoveOn used to be ok. I may have even given them some money way back in the day. They galvanized a lot of the anti-war protests of the early 2000's. They theoretically contribute to socially left-leaning political causes with which I agree. However, it should be noted that they are among the "big guns" of political contributors. They raised almost $40,000,000 (yes, the zeros are correct; forty million) dollars for the 2008 Democratic Party. They already have $4,000,000 riding on 2012, so maybe they're out looking for fresh blood.

MoveOn hasn't dropped their support of the Dems, even though they are clearly NOT an anti-war party. Their beloved Obama administration is still in Afghanistan, has authorized Predator Drone bombings across borders in non-war zones (often killing civilians),  has failed to stand up to Israel's escalation of the Palestine conflict, likely instigated several middle east uprisings, openly approved of several assassinations, engaged in nuclear sabre-rattling with Iran, pissed off China over their currency inflation, and is now using their clout to unleash Homeland Security on the very rioters they're cozying up to. Don't get me started on the amount of lobbyist cash flowing into willing Democratic election coffers from the defense industry.

Some of the more savvy crowd members are pointing to this already. A popular chant at a recent mid-west event was "MoveOn Out", not in reference to marching, but to this mega-PAC's covert sponsorship in street theatre, despite their history of feeding the 2-party election beast.

Look; the 99% Movement has room for everyone, even Democrats, and possibly even special interest groups. I support unions, having worked in several manufacturing labor industries. A movement needs middle ground, and needs to ignore the faults and alliances of its united participants.

But I draw the line at privilege-pulling from a group of known lobbyists. The Zuccotti Park kids used a 'human mic' technique of crowd repetition because the city would not allow amplified microphones; MoveOn gets a stage and a pro PA system. The kids get their tents torn down, receiving many kicks to the face and arrests in the process; MoveOn gets a special pavilion and pop-up tent. There is a clear message from NYC that the MoveOn event was "Sponsored," "Permitted," "Allowed," and that any other event organizers should just fuck off and die in a jail cell.

Not only that, but their helpers had the nerve, the utter gall to tell the organizer's main video life-line, with 30,000 live views, over 600,000 visits, and re-broadcasts on Russia Today and Al Jazeera that he wasn't allowed in to film. Moreover, they tried to mis-direct traffic in a way that smacked of infiltration from The Authorities. All this after appropriating their logo, setting up shop on their march route, loudly proclaiming their support and affiliation with the cause. It's like inviting a stranger to your party and watching them drink your finest whiskey. They are, quite literally, party-crashers.

Groups like MoveOn want nothing more than for the same destructive cycle of lobbyists, PACs, special interests and paid politics to continue, at least until things shake out in 2012. They're in it for Obama, despite being against everything they so loudly supported in the early 2000's, and in a few months they're going to be the ones lurking at the back of your hard-earned camps, marches, and actions, soliciting money from the piss-poor, disillusioned masses that have already disavowed the gluttonous, cash-lubed orgy of electioneering.

Worse, they're the ones that will self-police "good event behavior". They're the ones who will call loudest for main-stream support, not law breaking. They are in it for election press, and they won't hesitate to watch you get roughed up a little, so long as no one throws a moltov. Think I'm wrong? I have $50 riding on the fact that the DNC & RNC both explode into total chaos, and they're going to be the ones making sure their pretty banners don't get ripped.

Also seeing as how the federal government has been virtually silent on these protests, and the fact that there are hints that orders came from above (Department of Homeland Security) to squash these protests, it's a bit of a fox in the hen house. A greedy, well-spoken, well-connected, tent-permit holding fox in a seething, rioting henhouse that is ready to boil over into revolt.

And your white shirts? I used to work in event apparel. A run of those costs at least $5k. If you're going to blow $5k on fugly shirts for one rally, I already know where your finances sit.

---
Who was at that rally?
RWDSU & SEIU

The Retail, Wholesale and Department Store Workers Union... is throwing its weight behind President Obama's re-election bid. “President Obama has done more for working people than any President in recent memory,” said Stuart Appelbaum, president of the 100,000-member RWDSU, in a statement announcing the endorsement. RWDSU joins SEIU in backing Obama's hopes for a second term, and both plan to put union boots on the ground to boost his campaign at a time when labor sees itself as under siege by local governments...“When you examine his biggest victories—economic stimulus, healthcare reform, auto industry recovery, financial reform, pay equity reform, middle class tax relief, restoration of collective bargaining rights—it is clear that he has delivered on his central promises of hope and change. His presidency has been transformative under the most difficult of circumstances. He has been a stalwart defender of working men and women during a time of obscene obstructionism in Congress. Yet his record of progressive accomplishments has been woefully unacknowledged. He deserves more credit and gratitude." via http://rwdsu.info

(A "Stalwart Defender"? Are we on the set of Master and Commander here?)

During the 2010 election cycle, SEIU spent nearly $15.8 million on advertisements and other communications known as independent expenditures that overtly advocated for or against federal political candidates, with Democrats benefiting from almost all of them. via Open Secrets

The UAW - United Auto Workers
They seem pretty pro-Obama, with a lot of favorable press for Joe Biden.

That makes sense, as he is the Pontiac FireBird of Vice Presidents. 

Seriously though guys...no one in the government is actually pro-labor. They are pro oil, pro defense, and pro-importing garbage from China. You might want to consider that little South Korean Free Trade thing before you go hugging Obama for the privilege to make cars.

Make the Road
This group seems to be a feel-good, 'raise our latino children to a better life' type of organization. In all fairness, small non-profits and community organziations raise money from a variety of sources, often tapping corporate donors. Part of the problem with corporations hoarding obscene wealth is they have to find a tax write-off somewhere, and end up dumping cash into the community. Then they use the rest of their money to fund policies that fuck over those very same people, in much more devastating ways. This is a piss-poor system of public funding.

I am going to weed out the worst among them who have funded this group in the past, because I am an asshole and have no journalistic qualifications:

FOUNDATIONS
Capital One Foundation
GE Foundation
Merck Family Fund

CORPORATIONS
Alliance Bernstein
Citi, N.A.
Cross County Federal Savings Bank
Fulbright & Jaworski LLP
Goldman, Sachs & Co.
IBM Corporate Giving Program
Johnson & Johnson
McGraw-Hill Education
New York Lawyers for the Public Interest
Skadden, Arps, Slate, Meagher, and Flom, LLP
Time Warner


I don't know. Maybe a community group that took even a little money from say, Skaden-Arps or Goldman Sachs would feel a little bit awkward showing up at a rally... a rally to over-throw Goldman Sachs. And maybe at that rally they wouldn't try to cock-block the real event organizers.



NYCC- New York Communities for Change
These guys seem pretty serious about fucking over JP Morgan, and are on board with the whole Occupy thing. They should stop hanging out with MoveOn so much. You and the Communication Workers. I like how you roll.

UFT-United Federation of Teachers.
If I've learned anything from elementary school, teachers are always willing to strike, in hopes that someone, anyone, realizes how badly they're getting shafted.

The War on Picnic Tables

My Fellow Americans,

Our great nation is under siege! A terrorist threat has arisen - one so vile, so godless, that it would stop at nothing to tear our nation asunder. It hates liberty, freedom, and Jesus. So reprehensible, the CIA has discovered its plot to place a dirtified nuclear weapon full of anthrax in a nursing home - YOUR GRANDMA'S NURSING HOME!

Don't let its wholesome white-ness fool you; the red screams "communist!"...

... and despite its flatness, it is clearly a 'keffiyeh' ('Arab head towel' for you honkies.)

This video, dated Nov. 12, 2011, shows the brave Denver Police Department and the Colorado State Patrol working together to smash this terrorist threat. You can see it here in this disgusting video, criminally torturing the public sidewalk. (Him and his smug little hibachi BBQ friend. It's like Mussolini and Pol Pot joined forces).

Hold the line! That checkered Hitler knows kung-fu!

Yes! Stomp him down! No cost is too great to save the people of Denver from this rogue sadist! Not even 50 officers at $45/hr, plus overtime for 6 hours...wait... isn't that like, $20,000???

Ah well, *ahem*...Ok, that seems fucking stupid.

The terrorists have already won!

BREAKING NEWS! THESE GUYS ARE AWESOME!

Clowns attack the Wall Street Bull. Detained by private mercenary police!

I never thought I'd see the day when we had private mercenary police, or that I had to stand in solidarity with clowns.

Am I not right? Society is devolving into a living Salvador Dali painting.

Dear Occupy Movement

Dear Occupy Movement,


I like you kids. I really do. You have fun names like "Ketchup" and you occasionally set stuff on fire. This fits well into my world view that society is accelerating into a surreal spiral that will crash and burn into a heap of flaming advertising. Like a black hole made from Shark Vacuums.

I call it the Dirt Predator. Your life is a failure if you do not buy one right now,  for three easy payments of $49.95.

Your struggle for equal camping rights has really had a profound effect on me. All citizens deserve the right to camp in local parks. Erect your sage green NorthFace Marmot Tent with pride, stand and take your police beat-down, and sleep well knowing you've done your civic duty-

Wait. What? This wasn't about camping? Why are we shooting all of these people?

Sleep in a portable nylon mesh dome? Not on my fucking watch.

You live in a world where The Authority can smash your face in, for setting a tent on a public lawn. We haven't even gotten to the fun stuff yet, like setting bonfires, or wandering into the Senate Chamber, storming the CIA headquarters, or daring not to take our shoes off at the airport.

Sometimes you have to test the waters. Do something a teensy bit out of line to provoke the beast, and wait for a reaction. (Like sticking your finger into your sleeping cat's ear. I do that.)

This provocation was "Tents!" and the reaction was "Rubber bullets... at your face!".

Take a deep breath and dust off the ol' crossbow, because shit is going down. Hard.

A Message From Snarlton

There is a space. Think of it as a canyon. Maybe the Grand canyon, because that shit is pretty awesome.

On one side of the canyon, you have winners. On the other side, you have losers. Rather, the "Winners" have declared themselves "winners", and they have also declared the "Losers" to be "losers". (Until this all happened, the Losers kinda thought they were all the same).

In between is a rope bridge. 

The Losers totally thought they were going to walk across that rope bridge some day. Maybe not now, but some day. Probably after they get their Phd's in Modern Rope Bridgery. (Seriously, they know a guy who did just that...once. His name started with a 'K' or something).

Well today, this rope bridge has been set on fire. It was intentionally set alight by the Winners, to keep the Losers in their place, where they belong, a canyon away.

The rope bridge crackles, the fire creeping slowly across. Soon it will fray and split.

What should they do? Try to put the fire out? No, a burnt rope bridge will never hold. Try to rebuild the bridge? 

Yes, some Losers decided that because this bridge has always been, it is in Best Interest (not anyone in particular's, just the general concept: Best Interest) to rebuild the bridge. They begin scavenging for materials. They're wandering around, looking for branches, tools, maybe some more rope...

They come up with nothing. Then they realize that there "ain't shit" on their side of the canyon. No houses, no food, no jobs. There sure as shit aren't any dentists or doctors. All that is left on this side of the canyon is a small pile of food stamps, an unpaid cell phone bill for $441, and a pile of letters saying your credit card is now in collections, a Ford Festiva that needs a new clutch, and a note from WellPoint saying your health insurance has been cancelled because of your stupid fucking cancer. And the joke's on you guys, because there damn sure isn't any fucking rope. 

The Losers stand there, starting to cry, staring at their depressing, empty side of the canyon, wishing they still had the hope of the bridge. If the bridge were still there, at least there was the illusion of hope, the memory of that one guy who made it across that one time (let's just call him "Kanye").

Then they see those fucking asshole Winners pointing and laughing from a far. They knew. They knew all along.

------

At this point, a totally fucking awesome tiger with a halo of fire and laser eyes sees their distress and rides up (to Led Zeppelin's "Immigrant Song", cranked to 11), and smacks their stupid fucking branch down! The tiger yells, in a booming voice: 

"For fuck's sake! Why are you even thinking of rebuilding that bridge! It's burnt! Gone! And those mofo's burned it! On purpose! And they took all of your shit away before they did it, and now they are laughing at you! Don't even try to build that bridge! THEY. HATE. YOU. And Kanye never existed! KANYE WEST IS A FUCKING LIE!!! "

It must be a clever optical illusion. No natural process could possibly make a creature this lame.

Then Snarlton the tiger sets their unpaid cell phone bills on fire with his laser eyes, and viciously eviscerates a debt collection phone agent who had tried to scale the canyon.

The "Losers" heed the advice of Snarlton, because he is so awesome. And then they ride off into their own land, committed to a life of revenge and awesome parties. Maybe in their travels they'll find a sneaky trail up the other side of the canyon, and they'll steal all their shit back, and maybe maul the fucking hell out of the Winners. 

In case you can't tell, this is about politics, though I got a few parts, verbatim, from the Jewish children's novel by R.L. Stein,  A Lion, Jesus & Some Wardrobe (Maybe. I don't read a lot).

Come on now, buddy. The bridge is burned. Run off with Snarlton.

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